Saturday, January 22, 2011 @ 11:16 PM

I'm pretty sure no one ever comes to this blog anymore. This blog has been long gone for a very long time. I have kept this blog because it is a bunch of silly memories I want to keep. Something to look back at and laugh at myself. Basically, I'm pretty attached to this blog and I have never thought of deleting it at all even though it is so embarrassing.

I don't even know if Roy still secretly reads this old blog of mine but I doubt he does because I think he hardly even reads my current blog, let alone read this old blog. I've decided to come back here and start to pen down my inner thoughts here because I can't talk about how I really feel in my current blog. It is something I have to keep to myself because I don't have a choice. If I tweet about it, or blogs about it.. Roy will be mad at me. And now, he isn't here for me when I am sad.

I really don't know why I can always talk about my problems to my friends and they always get my point but when I explain to Roy about how I feel, he always has to rebut me with his own reasons. He never stops and listen and just accept that he is making me horrible. We have gone through alot of troubles and have broken up quite a few times and I am afraid to lose him so I am trying to hold my tongue about everything single thing.

Times like now, I am really concern about his results and how he has been neglecting school. He missed class so many times, he has been late, and he has partialed quite a few times. It is definitely something I have to be worried about, right? Recently, he has been going out with his friends till late. And having not enough sleep, and now he is sick. And also, his money issues. I have been asking about his spending of money. I am pretty sure he is getting really annoyed with me. But I can't help but not care... Because I do, and I show it!! But I guess I shall cut down so that he won't find me annoying.

Today, I bought him lunch and 5 bottles of honey lemon because he is sick. I hope it helps! And while I was going him with Weijie, I was really annoyed with Roy. And when she told me not to expect too much from him and that he seems really happy when he talks about his friends. It made me think alot.. And I realized that he didn't even seem to be that happy with me. And I realized he has been, or oftenly, takes me for granted. He didn't even thank me or anything for what I have done for him today. I mean, I don't expect anything in return. Or any recognition such as... And like I feel that he spends time with me because he feels obliged to not because he really wants to.

I am really very sad. I even decided to talk to him about it but all he kept saying was "Where got? -.-" And it makes me even more sad. Why must he always insist he is right.. and not listen and accept it. He even said that he doesn't want to do this today. We should talk about it another day. So hahaha right? If he really cared about how I feel or if I am upset, he wouldn't have said such things. He probably thinks I am really sensitive, crazy and paranoid girlfriend. But I am pretty sure, every girlfriend feels the same way as I do. We are girls and we are really sensitive about everything.

Last time, he will always send me hom but today I asked and he said he has no coins or whatsoever. It is obviously just an excuse. I have coins, he didnt ask if I had??? It is really disappointing that our relationship has come to such a stage. And I don't know why I can wear my heart on my sleeve as I typed all of these down. When I actually talk to him about how I feel, I can never talk like that. I have to watch every single word I say because I am afraid of his rebuts. I feel kind of stupid.

I even told myself if I ever cried because of him again, or I ever allow myself to be hurt by whatever he does. I am done. Why should I bother when he doesn't? Why should I be sad when he obviously isn't sad?

I'll see how long I can take. But knowing myself, whatever shit he gives me, I will still want to be with him. lol. Unless... he really pushed me to my limits. I will definitely give up. I should learn to love myself more.

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