Monday, May 09, 2011 @ 7:36 PM

i'm trying my best to use every single method i can think of to get over him, to forget him, to move on. every layer of this facade is just covering up the emptiness, the pain i'm feeling inside. //

Tuesday, May 03, 2011 @ 10:02 AM

not being on the top of your list of priorities, i hope that you won't regret your decisions. you gave me up for work, but i hope you won't give up on school.

Sunday, May 01, 2011 @ 11:50 PM

Friday, April 29, 2011 @ 11:57 PM

Roy and I broke up last night. I initiated it out of anger but I regretted. Unfortunately, it was too late. There was no turning back. I feel as though I have been sucked into a black hole, I'm feeling so empty now. It is so hard to explain how I feel to anyone.

No matter how hard I try, I guess it's just not enough. I wasn't trying to pressurize him in any way. When he was upset about his grades, I told him I will be there to remind him about his school priorities and he agreed to it. And now, I am pressurizing him? I just don't want him to side track and regret. Was it wrong that I cared? Or did he rather I not care?

Also, he has not been spending time with me at all. We barely see each other because he is busy spending time with his friends. He says that they always ask him out so he just agreed, then what about me? He always tell me he misses me, but why are his actions the opposite? I try not to complain, I feel bitter about it but I don't want to tell him because I know he will be upset. The fact is that he is losing interest in me but when I ask him, all he does is deny it.. Then am I just living in denial the whole time?

I don't even see the point in penning my feelings down here. What is the point... I'm trying so hard to hold myself together but I can't help but feel so empty inside. I know I have my friends & family. But Roy has always been a part of my life, I put in my heart and soul into this relationship.. why doesn't he see it? And why is he treating me this way?

I am feeling so pathetic, really damn pathetic. I don't want to worry my friends or bother them when I am upset. I know friends are always there but I don't want them to see me like that. Neither do I want them to feel like.... "Oh.. not again...!"

I am feeling really really really terrible. I am trying so hard to be strong but I can't. It is very very hard. I don't know how Roy does it... I don't know why he doesn't seem to feel anything after breaking up. This relationship we had for so long, does it mean anything to him at all.... I have so many questions, so many things to say but I can't.

I am trying really hard to move on because he asked me to. He can move on so easily, but I can't. This relationship was so special to me.. it meant so much to me. I am just really... torn apart now. Everyday he told me he loved me, but how can he do this to me? All the promises he made to me? Did it meant anything at all? They say no matter how much a couple fights, and they never leave each other shows how much they love each other. why can't we be like that? he told me he loved me but why did he go away...

I hate going through this crap all over again. Zuokuan broke my heart and I was really upset for so long and I thought Roy was different... but screw that, all boys are the same. I feel like a fucking rag doll, I feel so cheated.

but is there anything I can do about it?

Saturday, January 22, 2011 @ 11:16 PM

I'm pretty sure no one ever comes to this blog anymore. This blog has been long gone for a very long time. I have kept this blog because it is a bunch of silly memories I want to keep. Something to look back at and laugh at myself. Basically, I'm pretty attached to this blog and I have never thought of deleting it at all even though it is so embarrassing.

I don't even know if Roy still secretly reads this old blog of mine but I doubt he does because I think he hardly even reads my current blog, let alone read this old blog. I've decided to come back here and start to pen down my inner thoughts here because I can't talk about how I really feel in my current blog. It is something I have to keep to myself because I don't have a choice. If I tweet about it, or blogs about it.. Roy will be mad at me. And now, he isn't here for me when I am sad.

I really don't know why I can always talk about my problems to my friends and they always get my point but when I explain to Roy about how I feel, he always has to rebut me with his own reasons. He never stops and listen and just accept that he is making me horrible. We have gone through alot of troubles and have broken up quite a few times and I am afraid to lose him so I am trying to hold my tongue about everything single thing.

Times like now, I am really concern about his results and how he has been neglecting school. He missed class so many times, he has been late, and he has partialed quite a few times. It is definitely something I have to be worried about, right? Recently, he has been going out with his friends till late. And having not enough sleep, and now he is sick. And also, his money issues. I have been asking about his spending of money. I am pretty sure he is getting really annoyed with me. But I can't help but not care... Because I do, and I show it!! But I guess I shall cut down so that he won't find me annoying.

Today, I bought him lunch and 5 bottles of honey lemon because he is sick. I hope it helps! And while I was going him with Weijie, I was really annoyed with Roy. And when she told me not to expect too much from him and that he seems really happy when he talks about his friends. It made me think alot.. And I realized that he didn't even seem to be that happy with me. And I realized he has been, or oftenly, takes me for granted. He didn't even thank me or anything for what I have done for him today. I mean, I don't expect anything in return. Or any recognition such as... And like I feel that he spends time with me because he feels obliged to not because he really wants to.

I am really very sad. I even decided to talk to him about it but all he kept saying was "Where got? -.-" And it makes me even more sad. Why must he always insist he is right.. and not listen and accept it. He even said that he doesn't want to do this today. We should talk about it another day. So hahaha right? If he really cared about how I feel or if I am upset, he wouldn't have said such things. He probably thinks I am really sensitive, crazy and paranoid girlfriend. But I am pretty sure, every girlfriend feels the same way as I do. We are girls and we are really sensitive about everything.

Last time, he will always send me hom but today I asked and he said he has no coins or whatsoever. It is obviously just an excuse. I have coins, he didnt ask if I had??? It is really disappointing that our relationship has come to such a stage. And I don't know why I can wear my heart on my sleeve as I typed all of these down. When I actually talk to him about how I feel, I can never talk like that. I have to watch every single word I say because I am afraid of his rebuts. I feel kind of stupid.

I even told myself if I ever cried because of him again, or I ever allow myself to be hurt by whatever he does. I am done. Why should I bother when he doesn't? Why should I be sad when he obviously isn't sad?

I'll see how long I can take. But knowing myself, whatever shit he gives me, I will still want to be with him. lol. Unless... he really pushed me to my limits. I will definitely give up. I should learn to love myself more.

Saturday, April 04, 2009 @ 8:35 PM

Thursday, March 26, 2009 @ 8:39 PM

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